If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
