Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
