I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Every concussion has its silver lining
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
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