so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
