someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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