my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
