Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We have so much sex to catch up on
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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