youre lurking in front of me
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
