I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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