Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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