Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you would pick up someone in the library
Operation Purity has been aborted
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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