Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
