You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
