hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
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She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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