In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
