Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
