Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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