HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My ass is underappreciated
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
