if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
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if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
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We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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