My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize