I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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