Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
