Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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