And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
