Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
