I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
