Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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