I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
