batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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