Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Sacagawea was the original milf.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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