if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
