i think my mom watched the whole time
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
