Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
