Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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