checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
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