my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Randomize
