Just fell off a train. Bad.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
