This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
