I puked a lego.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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