I wish I could teleport
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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