Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
