I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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