Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
