A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
