Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
