why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
