I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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