it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
