so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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