How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
false alarm, still single
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
