I cannot find my penis.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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