Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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