Who wears a wallet chain?!
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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