I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
