mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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