He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
