your thong is hanging out like whoa
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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