I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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