The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
