someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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