i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
