Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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