if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Can I color on your dick again?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
