They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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