Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
